Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read! ~ Mitch Hedberg
I don’t have time to post today. Today I got a new book in the mail, which I’m very excited to read. Sausage has absconded with it, though, and he says I have to wait until he’s done with it before I can have it. He has to make sure that it’s appropriate, you know.
So here’s Sausage’s first book review. Let’s see what he thinks.
“I love new books!”
“What’s it called? ‘Mean-Spirited Tales’? What kind of name is that?”
“Are there pigs in this book? I love pigs, Mommy.”
“Who is this Sandee Harris character? Huh. She looks like quite the sword-chinned bitch, if you ask me.”
“Well, let me just skim the pictures.”
“I don’t see any pictures. Lots of boring old words, though.”
“Still no pictures! Not even one single pig! I’ll just skip to the end.”
“Ms. Harris, I’m disappointed in your lack of pigs. They say ‘oink oink oink,’ you know. It’s pretty awesome.”
“This book certainly gives me a lot to chew over. You can have it back when I’m done digesting it, Mommy. Now leave me alone and give me some space.”
Sausage gives “Mean-Spirited Tales” by Sandee Harris a B-. It rebounded from its lack of pigs by having a pretty cover and generally being delicious. He recommends it only if you don’t much care for pigs (in which case he pities you) or if you can read words.
*Mommy’s Note: Sausage is a notoriously tough audience and can be quite unforgiving. Once I can pry the book out of his hands, I’m sure I’ll adore it, because I love Sandee’s writing so much in general. Check out her blog, you’ll see what I mean.
Don't Forget to Feed the Baby 
I thought I’d have to call the ambulance because I was choking so hard from laughing! — I’m sending this to my sister! I’ll take a B- from Sausage rather than a five star review from a stinky ‘ol literary review any day!
Kathy you are the Bestest! I thank you for the shout-out, which is special indeed because it has your brand of humor all over it!
I just called a local cafe to set up a reading. Wish you and Sausage were in the city so you could bring him in to give me a second chance at a review!
Thanks again Kathy, and kisses and hugs to you and Sausage! xoxoxoxo
Well, if you take your book-reading tour down here to Baltimore, I’ll be sure to come! So far I’ve only been allowed to read the back cover, but I’m pretty sure that I’ll appreciate your book more than Sausage does. He’s just such a tough audience — he never likes anything. Unless it has pigs, of course.
Love and hugs, Kathy xoxo
This has to be the best review I have ever read/seen.. It’s priceless!!!
Aw, thanks! I’ll have to see if he wants to do more. Right now he’s working his way through the classics: Good Night Moon, Oh The Thinks You Can Think, stuff like that. I need to get him interested in more contemporary literature.
Hahaha, too cute! Sandee should feel honored to be reviewed by someone so prestigious. Hi Sausage!
I’m sure she will feel honored, once she’s out of the hospital. Apparently, she almost choked to death reading this. If I haven’t killed her, I’m sure she’ll be very grateful. đŸ˜‰ (Sausage says that I should only say hello back to you if you’ve brought him a cookie. Have you brought him a cookie?)
Tell sausage it’s a great book. I’ve read it. But he might have to cover his eyes and ears at a few parts. đŸ˜‰
Does she talk about where bacon comes from? Because yeah, we’re really not ready to go into that with him.
***SPOILER ALERT*** Well, not really a spoiler, but just don’t expect every character to maintain all their body parts…
Hmm. Well, I think he’ll be okay with that, so long as the character isn’t a pig. Seriously, this kid LOVES pigs.
Then you’ll have to read “Piggie Pie” with him. This was by far my kids favorite book when they were little. And don’t worry; it all ends well for the piggies.
http://www.amazon.com/Piggie-Pie-Margie-Palatini/dp/0395866189
Thanks for the recommendation! I just added it to my wishlist, so I won’t forget.
Best book review I have seen in ages. Really gets straight to the heart of the what really matters: pigs.
They say ‘oink oink oink’, you know. That’s the key. Nothing is truly amazing unless it says ‘oink’.
I think I might send you a book about pigs entirely made out of chocolate so I can get an A+ review from Sausage. This has now become my life goal.
It doesn’t even have to be that difficult. A book full of photos of pigs will get an A+ any day. Of course, that’s largely because I’ve never given him chocolate.
Folks become critics earlier and earlier! Has Sausage seen the film “Babe” yet? It really impacted my ability to enjoy bacon.
He has not. His attention span currently gets him through about 15 minutes of television before he has to move on to something new. But I’m pretty sure that for those 15 minutes of watching “Babe” he would be in an ecstasy of oinking.
Are you and Sausage familiar with the Beatles song “Piggies”? If not, check it out, it’s from the White Album.
Of course I’m familiar with “Piggies”, and with the White Album. My parents brought me up right. Sometimes I sing “I Will” to Sausage as a lullaby.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww …
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww … My sister and I played “Why Don’t We Do It In the Road” the second we got it just to irritate our mother. She ignored our antics. She brought us up right.
Brilliant. :>
Thank you! I think he’s pretty spectacular. He’s got a bright future ahead of him, skewering works of art and spending his entire salary on pot-bellied pigs.
Hahaha… I meant you, you are brilliant. :>
Oh. Well, in that case, thank you very much!
You are very welcome! :>
Cutie patootie Sausage. Beautiful, beautiful boy and if he says Sandee’s book is good then I must find out for myself!
I think he’s pretty beautiful, too! Not that I’m objective or anything. As for Sandee’s book, I’m looking forward to starting it once it has dried out a bit.
I’m making notes for my book: add pigs. I love Sausage’s mad scientist hairstyle–it lends an air of authenticity to his reviews.
When you see it from the front, it looks like an unkempt faux-hawk. He has more cowlicks than I’ve ever seen on any human being. I do have to keep it trimmed to do that, though — if it gets too long it flops over and makes him look like he has a bad comb-over.
The visual of Sausage with a bad comb-over made me giggle out loud.
Reblogged this on 1800ukillme and commented:
I miss Kathy’s posts. If I were a mom, I’d hope to be edgy like her. Her baby is really cute and he reviewed my book. I wonder if he takes bribes. Maybe a new squishy toy? I’d do anything for a higher rating. But Sausage has too much integrity to be bought off. Oh well…
haha! I’m afraid Sausage is reading it faster than I am. I like to savor books that I love.
Sausage is way cute. Great post!
Thanks! I think he’s pretty adorable, but I’m really not objective.
Seems like a pretty thorough, even if a bit biased, review. I too, am disappointed by the book’s lack of pigs – you would think people would learn that pigs are awesome by now!
It’s true, his reviews are very much colored by his personal expectation that every book should feature pigs. But being less than objective is part of his charm.